There is an idea that I learned in my current workplace when being trained as a therapist: Do not be attached to the results. The implication is that while helping those suffering from an eating disorder, we need to practice not being attached to the “result” (how much or little the client changes their behavior) and instead focus on the process or the feelings.
What was it like to try not to use a behavior?
What skills did you use?
How did you feel before? How did you feel after?
What is it like reflecting on this?
Targeting the process rather than the outcome places meaning and value on the efforts and approaches, not a simple check-box of “Did you or didn’t you?”
I thought about this recently as I began to prepare for the holiday of Purim. We will, as a family, be partaking in another “theme” for our costumes and mishloach manot, and while on my daily commute into Manhattan for work, I was considering food options while sipping my coffee on the bus. It then hit me that so much of Purim has become an “attachment to the results” cultural experience.
We try to find costumes that will impress others and think of fun themes for mishloach manot. This commandment to provide food packages to at least one individual is truly about supplying a meal to enjoy at the Purim seudah. And yet, it has become very much a reliance on exchange. We have our food bundles ready to give over when one is delivered. There are often cute poems or fun themes, food puns and elaborate decorations.
This is not to say that there is anything wrong with doing so. But I want to encourage you, reader, to reflect on the emphasis that goes into this process. One of my closest friends truly enjoys coming up with these food puns—the experience and mental game is a fun task and she likes to be able to help others who are preparing. This process, this fun, is different from a pressure to impress.
Purim has become, in many ways, an experience reliant on what others will think. Will they like my costume? Will they appreciate my mishloach manot?
While it is understandable to have these thoughts, it is so essential to move away from the holiday being about these questions, and to move it back toward the history and commandments. To place emphasis on matanot le’evyonim. To truly immerse ourselves in the reading of the Megilla as a means of connecting with what Hashem did for our people, and to contemplate the leaps and bounds made by Esther and Mordechai. It is about strength and perseverance and doing what is right even when it is not easy.
Yes, this is a holiday of fun and enjoyment. But the fun and enjoyment can—and I would argue should—be less about attachment to the results (the compliments or feedback or the mishloach manot given and received) and more about the effort, the giving and the joy along the way. The holiday can be about the fun in preparing as a family or the thrill of putting on a costume, while recognizing where this came from—that it is about the act of God that brought the plan for the destruction of the Jewish people to be “flipped on its head.” There is room for celebration while also acknowledging the themes of competition and approval that can arise. This acknowledgement can lead to the possibility of pausing and reflecting, while also fostering conversation about how this experience may lead individuals to act, think or feel.
And while some may interpret this piece as a “seeking out of feelings,” what I am recommending is reflecting on the behaviors at this time of year and noting when we are attached to the results and how we can more so look forward to the process.
Own the costume, regardless of what others around you say. Know that your mishloach manot are valuable even if you do not receive one back. Take stock in the giving that you can provide, rather than judging your success by receiving.
When we are able to be attached to the process and find value in our giving we can truly lean into the celebration of the day and find the hidden joys. Purim sameach!
Temimah Zucker, LCSW is the assistant clinical director at Monte Nido Manhattan and also works in private practice in Manhattan, specializing in working with those struggling with body image dissatisfaction, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, grief and transitions. Temimah will soon be opening a practice in Teaneck! To learn more, visit www.temimah.com
